my birthday eve

It is officially the eve of my birthday. did the title of this post clue you in to that? As odd as it may seem, I prefer to spend my birthday alone. No party, No presents, Just time. Time to reflect on the last 36 years of my life, time to entertain crazy notions and daydream about the next 36.

I'm not the sort that fears growing older. I don't concern myself with things like gray hairs... (i find and pluck for now...eventually I will dye and then one day i will just give up and embrace) Nor do I worry about what I should have accomplished by now. Nobel Prize? Not yet. I especially don't worry about what I "used to be." That is something I've been hearing a lot...from friends, from strangers. All women pining for their former selves. I'll admit my former self was pretty fabulous...fabulous in that twenty something way. Exuding the confidence of the young based on little but the security of parental support and lack of personal failure.

I only have a few more years left of my thirties and I'm perfectly fine with that. Over the last two decades I have experienced set backs and triumphs. Grand success and heartbreaking failure. Yet, despite it all...I am still here. A bit slower, a bit grayer, but infinitely wiser. My joy radiates from my toes. My happiness is no longer a moment but a part of who I am always.

So my gift to myself this year? Kindness. I will treat myself well. This means a lot of different things, but for today and especially tomorrow it means solitude, being surrounded by books, a little of this and cake. I will most certainly eat cake.